It's not candy.

When I was in elementary school, we had a lot of motivational speakers and activists speak at my elementary school and do assemblies. They were supposed to be life changing. And most of them were, in one way or another. There was one that was particularly life changing.

The speaker starts the speech asking “Who’s a fan of M & M?”

And my hand shoots up into the hair because who isn’t a fan of the brightly colored candy that doesn’t melt in your hand and comes in several varieties, including peanut, almond, and pretzel? Not to mention those are my initials, which makes them especially important in my life.

But then the speaker starts going on about how M & M is a misogynist who raps about killing his wife and doing terrible things to women. How dare we worship this awful person who is morally corrupting our society!

I was pretty confused. I thought she was talking about yummy candy. I don’t even think I knew what rapping was or what it sounded like.

My life was great and I was pretty innocent and untainted before I learned that Eminem is not a candy. I don’t know why that lady had to come in and ruin all of that for me.

I guess adults really like to lecture kids they don’t know because it’s easier to do that then talk to congress, or marketers, or whatever. And maybe there were some kids in that gym who really needed to hear about evil Eminem, I don’t know.

Looking back, I would have appreciated learning how to identify sexism in elementary school. But one assembly by one random person (who was making pop culture references way over my head) probably wasn’t the way to do it.

My life story: Hairs in Mysterious Places

If you're a girl who wears her hair long, or if you're a dude has ever had long hair, then you know what the unpleasantness of having a long hair stuck in your butt crack is like.

I don't know exactly how they get there, but they do, and it's miserable until you can get to the bathroom and get it out.

But when you're in elementary school, you can't just go to the bathroom whenever you want. ("That's what recess is for!")

One time. when I was in third grade, I had a really terrible hair in my butt. It was made worse by the fact that I was wearing leggings, and I just couldn't wait until recess to go get it out. So when I thought that no one was looking, I reached my hand down the back of my pants and got that butt hair out.

But of course, to my horror, what do I hear from across the room?

"Megan's itching her butt!"

I felt as stupid and useless as a hair stuck in a butt crack.

And the kid's name was Ty. I remember him because he was pretty much bald himself and I was bothered by the fact that his name didn't have any proper vowels.

I'm sorry if you were offended by this post. But this is a true story, and the world needs to know that butt crack hairs are the worst, and there are millions of men and women with long hair who have to deal with this misery.

-Meg